"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry." Psalm 40:1 (NIV)Sometimes I think if I were writing my own psalms, I would have said something like, "I waited patiently for the Lord (or so I thought); he didn't do what I wanted him to do when I wanted him to, so I took matters into my own hands." Waiting is hard!
When I was a younger adult, I very much wanted to be in a relationship. I very much wanted to love, but more to be loved. I asked God to bring someone into my life (frequently), but God, in his wisdom and kindness, knew that I was in no shape to be in any kind of relationship, and basically said, "Wait." Of course, that was not the answer I wanted to hear. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. So I took it upon myself to get what I believed God was refusing me.
At 21, I became a single parent. The road was tough. Unfortunately, I did not learn anything from that situation and embarked on a "mission" to find that relationship yet again. A few years later, I found a willing victim to take hostage. I knew in my heart that marrying this man was not God's will for me, but just so I could say that I wasn't being disobedient (hah!) I never took the time to ask God what he thought about the whole thing. Hey, if I didn't ask, he couldn't say no, right? But I wanted to be married more than I cared WHO I married or what God might have planned for me. So I plowed ahead with my own plans and married this man. He was not a Christian, he did not share the same values or beliefs, he was not a suitable match for me in so very many ways. But, he had a couple "important" attributes that I was very attracted to. He was available and he was willing! Almost 4 years and 3 children into our marriage, he left. Sadly, although there was a part of me that did indeed feel quite betrayed and inadequate, for the most part, I was relieved. I had my legitimate "out". The point is, I knew I had made yet another mess by taking things into my own hands.
My desire to be in a loving relationship never really faded away completely, but after my second "mess", I think I finally did learn (for the most part) to wait and see what God had for me. A couple years passed. I became lonelier. A few more years passed and still nothing in that area. Finally, I threw up my hands and said, "God, if you want me to be alone forever, I can live with that. Just let me do what you want me to do, let me be what you want me to be."
So God started working on my inside. There were many things that required some attention within me and over time, much changed. I found that I was not lonely; I was merely single. Sometimes it was tough trying to raise 4 children by myself, but God sent people to help me along the way. As I started becoming more of a whole person on my own, I started being more comfortable with being on my own. I found that God started using me in many ways with many people, especially other single parents and those who struggled with some other issues. I became very content just to do what God put before me to do and started to actually enjoy my "singlehood".
As it turned out, God had more for me. About 12 years after becoming single again, seemingly out of nowhere, God dropped someone basically right into my lap! There is really so much more to the story, but I'll have to save that part for another day, another blog, but the bottom line is that God knew exactly what I needed to become before I could be part of a healthy, committed, Christian relationship, and God knew (better than I could have known myself) exactly the person that would best suit me. I could not imagine ever finding someone so perfect for me all on my own. God knew best and had plans - and amazingly implemented them despite all my own messed up interventions "on his behalf".
I suppose I didn't realize as it was happening that I was learning to "wait". But looking back, I guess that's one thing I DID learn to do. I learned that taking things into my own hands never really resulted in anything but pain and heartache and a bit of a mess, although God was ALWAYS able to redeem the circumstances, sometimes by just letting me use my experience to be able to identify with someone else or to somehow minister to another person.
So, now maybe when I hear that psalm or think how I might say it myself, I think I can say, "I waited patiently for the Lord; and when I did, things turned out so much better!" Waiting is never easy at first. But the results of waiting are so worth it.
